the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
