my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
