note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
