I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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