Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
