: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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