Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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