my phone needs a breathalizer
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
