Sponge bath it is.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
