walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
