He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can't turn off my feet"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
