When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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