my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
