I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
