I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
