Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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