I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
