so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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