Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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