i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
