Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
