shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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