i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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