My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
