Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
