u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
