my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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