I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she pinky promised me she was 18
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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