Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
