the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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