So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
