Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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