I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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