what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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