Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
