you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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