Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
