I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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