he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
