Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
