You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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