I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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