Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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