You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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