Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Couch. On fire.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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