I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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