Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
