listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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