I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
