I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
