I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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